i want a child!

if i can't have my mum with me 24/7, can't i at least have a child of my own?
really want a child of my own. so badly sometimes.
just for the selfishness of having a company,
and the availability of hugs.
and of course, i really want to be a good mum.
i really do.
it's one of my biggest aspirations now.

working in the childcare made me feel more loved.
cus i always, ALWAYS, get hugs, and give hugs!
hee :D
i was just telling ricky that i was going to change his diaper in a minute.
then as i wanted to get the children on and going and done on diapers (after nap), i carried ricky to the bathroom. As i held him in my arms, he rested his head on me!
OH GOSH!
that was such an "awww~" moment.
i don't know how to describe it.
it was so "Awwww~", and i didn't want to let him down.
Ricky is known to be the "naughty" kid in class.
and when he actually rested his head on me like that,
i was just.. oh-so-subdued.

sigh (':

and then alexandra.
the 16months girl who used to give me a hard time putting her to sleep.
now she always hug me from the backkkk.
and if i was standing, she would rest her head on my legs.
"Awwwww!!"

sigh (':

then nicholas.
the one boy that i was attached to, and was attached to me since day 1 of interning.
even though it seems throughout the day he may not need me as he runs around and play,
it's funny how as i was disciplining him by walking him over to wash his hands after snack, he was all "No No No", but i followed him through with washing his hands, and then he wanted to be carried and he never let go.
that is what i like about him (: hahaha. really though.
it's like, he sticks with me like glue!
really persistent.
really consistent.
soon later, his dad came and i wanted to pass him to his dad.
but nicholas totally refused to get down and stuck his leg to my waist, and head on my chest, refusing to let go.
it was an "Aww" moment, but i felt bad for his dad. haha.
and his dad was all "i know you like aunt cindy"
(-.-')
dude. im not that old.
anws.
i like nicholas so much!
hahar.
just cus he is not like that with anyone else (:
aww.
it makes me feel so special.
haha.
k larh.
confidentiality.
but oh wells.

why i want a child so much.

1) i want a child who runs to me the moment i walk in the door! (:
2) a child who calls me "Mummy! Mummy!" excitedly.
3) a child who's attached to me (mummy) and daddy (whoever).
4) hold hands!
5) play (:
6) raising them. (REALLY REALLY WANT TO RAISE THEM!)
7) "bear fruits"

hee :D

)*&!%$!&#^%#!!)@!

under pressure under pressure!
cindy works under pressure!
9:02pm and i'm still stuck with inspirations on my research paper due tmr.
yes, i have work at 7:30am, AND i have a project/experiment with the kids tmr.
YET. what's going on with my paper leh?

头好痛!!

我现在真的超想离开 Los Angeles 这个"鬼"地地方!! %!#$@!&!)(%!$$!!
哈哈.
真的. 我是认真的.
越远越好.

我呢, 这几天过得的确比上个星期好些了. .
那也要谢在身边, 或在祷告里给我安慰, 支持!
谢了, 你们 (:

.. those thoughts.

sunday has always been my most hated day;
just because the next day is monday.
so yesterday was indeed a terrible, and really upsetting day.
i don't know whether it's because i'm unknowingly going through the 14days before my period, or it's because i'm really really upset.
in any case, i felt better today, that monday is almost over, which means my "Task#1 Psych Test", is over. Next coming up is my problem solving phonology homework due tomorrow morning, and then comes work. Yet, at the same time, I have to bear in mind of a 7pages research paper due friday, and a midterm on thursday, and journal and observation and curriculum plan on wednesday, AND already have interviewed a credible person for my research paper by thursday, AND squeeze time to drive to downtown LA to make time for dinner with my mum, AND still keeping in mind that my activity plan sheet for my club is due soon, AND still have to work 15 hours, AND .. all the miscellaneous stuffs my mum wants me to do before she leaves on FRIDAY NIGHT, ..
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to blabber on and on and 'boast' of my 'things to do'.
sometimes i just find my blog as an outlet of my very unstable emotions. and i really don't intend to stumble anyone or seek for sympathy.
i know many times, or perhaps, most times, i am indeed very emotional in my entries..
but i guess , it's when you're in that pits that inspiration comes, that, you just form an endless string of words, and sentences, and paragraphs, and entries.
i hope you won't find it hard reading all these, but i am honestly very troubled.
i am really troubled.
and my mind is constantly thinking things, and it just sinks my soul. and i know ..
it's time to set my mind on the things which are above, the lord that is.
but often, i'm just ashamed to turn. so ashamed that i failed his proving of my faith.

anyways. since i'm better today, let me just share with you a teeny part of my inspirations i had recently.

many things troubled me recently.
and these are all because of my ugly self. my really ugly being.
i realized how fallen, and ugly i am. like, everything about me.
this is why i feel so intimidated to turn to Him, because He is so perfect.
(even though He wants us to be perfect because the Father is perfect)
but,
i feel like, there's nobody else in this world as horrible as i am, as complicated as i am.
i feel so unhappy. and so dissatisfied with all the things around me.
it's all my problem.
it's all about me.
it's all from within me.
my peculiarities.

anyways. that wasn't my insipration.
so, recently with my circumstance, i have been 'pushed', or say 'persuaded' to NOT pursue masters and my DREAMS to be a speech-language pathologist AND get married.

in this case, it seemed like it's diverting to a financially capable man who can love me, and provide for the rest of my life. and, i know that person. and, it's totally possible.
know what i mean?

OKAY, "GREAT". i mean, GETTING MARRIED has ALWAYS been my BIGGEST dreams.
but.
i REALLY want an original love story.
i really want my career as a speech therapist.
i really do not want to depend fully on my husband financially.
i really have a lot of preferences.
i really am so picky.
i really have so many peculiarities.
i am so complicated.
haha.

oh wells.
actually, what really feared me was that .. what if he is the one?
and you know. it's like..
we all know that love grows.
and yea.
i really do not want that.
cus, it's like..
letting my heart fall for someone that my mind does not want to fall.
it's like.
i do not want to fall in love with someone that my mind does not love.

there are many reasons, many differences.
but these 2 are really important.

1) he's not a brother from the recovery, yet.
(cus im going to refer him to an elder)

2) i don't 'like' him in that way.

see. how very complicated.
but, it even comes to a point where people 'tell' me that 'my dreams' of getting a perfect husband who loves me for what i am, and who will rub and touch my tummy when i'm pregnant, and, is thoughtful, and, not calculative, IS RARE and almost, NON-EXISTENT.
but why do i always believe i will end up with someone that rare?
why do i always think that love is perfect, and love conquers all?
why am i always so hopeful?
i know partly is because of dramas, and partly is because of pursuing the same goal(NJ), and another part is because i know God's Love will reign in us, and He is the head. so, there's ALWAYS a hope for happily ever after.
i mean, that's why we're His coming bridegroom! right?
and when we're in New Jerusalem, we literally LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
oh wells.

so anws. people convince me to grab whoever wants me. (-.-')
cus there won't be a lot who will accept me for who i am.
and that if this person wants me, then, i should just.. comply?


!!
but is it true that life is unpredictable?

sigh.
if i end up with him, .. i, will be like a caged bird in indonesia.

to be unable.

i'm unhappy.
unhappy. dissatisfied. annoyed. irritated. frustrated.
and in need of help.

i don't know how to pull through the coming week.

i can't even call on His name anymore.
i can't.
for some reason i feel that i shouldn't call on His name because i fear that i'll be disappointed.
disappointed that even after i call, i don't feel better. i don't get the peace i should get. i don't get the whole person of that name. i fear that He won't be the same to me. i fear that He will not be as real to me as before. i fear that .. even the Lord can't even save me.
oh lord.

i am so tired.
i am so unhappy.
i am so fallen.
so emotional and incapable.
nothing makes me happy anymore.
nothing.

late birthday post

birthday casts: cindy, .., chicks class, sprinkles.



breakfast company.

birthday breakfast!!! (;

it's actually REALLY good. really.

my intern place! (;

.. and i made 3 wishes.

my birthday dinner (:

31st July, 2008!

so i made this for small group (;

ingredients: pasta, alfredo sauce, spinach, shiitake mushroom,
broccoli, garlic, corn, minced turkey, mozzarella.

(=

going into a week of my 20's,
and 2 words i got:
'labour', and 'strife'.
1 adjective: 'endless'.
put them together, 'endless labour and strife'.

is this what it means to be out of the teenager realm?
a whole world of endless labouring, .. and endless striving.. OF nth.
of what seems to be something, but are all vanity of vanities.

so #1, it's summer time. meaning, classes go by more crazily than ever.

#2 psych 134: project- plan a curriculum, and actually TEST it on the children.
weekly observations/interpretations
weekly journals
quizzes
research paper

#3 ling 120A: crazy 3hr lectures (that i have to attend)
research paper of the phonology of a language
weekly homeworks
2wice a week readings
midterm
final

#4 intern: 15.5hrs a week
FULL ATTENTION to 10 children in class.
(my performance is assessed/graded)
it's just.. energy consuming.
(even though this is what makes me alive in ther summer)

#5 UCLA life (other): club involvement- social affairs coordinator, THUS, ALL the social events
social planning, board meetings, general meetings, etc.

#6 church life: bible-reading schedule (totally irregular now)
spiritual books, (esp Christ as the Reality- reccomended by bro minoru)
life study of Luke 1,2,3
MEETINGS (and the preparation)

#7 social/personal life: preparation for mummy's coming! (book hotels and stuff)
and helping the closing for blueberry's going.
(things to do before he leaves)
spend time with my beloved and faithful buddy, Sprinkles.
tentative: GRE?
read the story book i LONG to feast all my mind into.
(a book on fairy tales- THE ORIGINAL VERSION xD )
bills and car oil, tires, timing belts,..
other friends.
(i really want to go to six flags, you know (; )
and, my rotting body.
(i realized i'm getting old. i mean, like, really OLD. like, i have physical constraints)
haha, seriously, ever weakling body.


took a breath of the lord just this morning.
had been so caught up with life that i just ..
didn't even have time for Him.
but what's wonderful about it is that ..
He will be that REALITY that WHENEVER you call on His name,
O Lord Jesus,
that person of that name just FILLS you.
He just FILLS you.
just like that*
he FILLED me.
but you know, we're all in adam's nature and fallen and all that;
so we get carried away and you realize "eh? where's my lord?"
but He's so faithful and true that whenEVER, WHENEVER you call,
he's there for you to take Him in.
i can't be in my spirit 24/7, at least not yet, and not anytime soon, haha.
but whenEVER. (oh how i enjoy this word so much today.)
WHENEVER, saints.
W-H-E-N-E-V-E-R.

yes. Whenever you turn your hearts to the Lord, the veil is taken away.
Whenever we call on His name, He NEVER FAILS to be so dear and near to us.

(:

Ressurection Power. without him going through ALL the processes,
how can he be the life-giving spirit? the one who brings us OUT of DEATH,
and INTO life.
the Christian life is just a life of turning death into life.
constantly.
that's why we need Him.
every moment.



(: i love you guys!
and i miss you all so much.

(p/s cookie jar: soon)

what hurts.

thank you sprinkles! (:
true enough, the lord really is the high priest.
don't i always get cupcakes for my birthdays?
some say it's some meaningless tradition,
i say, it's love.
cus all these bakers just know how much i love cupcakes!

there you go! (: (i mean, 'i')

and they always put some candles for me to make my wishes

except, i didn't have a wish right then, just the same old thing

every year; for the Lord to grow in me, and for me to love him

more than i ever did before, and to be preserved.

that's the #1 wish that i will always declare.

then the silent wish, #2, which is usually sth that's been in my heart for quite some time. and #3 is another 'say-out-loud' wish, where i wish random stuffs like .. mastering the guitar. LOL. which never happen. i have been wishing that since when im 18!

anyways. so this is the plan:

date: july 31st, 2008

place: los angeles

11:55 personal time

00:00 personal time

00:-- phone call

--:-- dream land

08:00 morning revival with roomie

09:00 meet with director of internship

10:00 breakfast with blueberry (notice that i don't use 'yj' anymore, cus, there's no more yj.)

12:00 work

05:30 walk home!

06:30 dinner with sprinkles

--:--

i feel weird. honestly.

actually i planned to sleep early so i have energy for tomorrow.

but i recieved a call from a friend in vancouver and we talked for about 30-40 mins?

it was really nice of him to call, really. haha.

i appreciate how at 00:00, i start recieving messages from all over. hahar.

and my dear cousin texted too! i was texting her back and my friend called.

so anws. back to feeling weird.

is it because, i'm technically 20 already?

hahar. or is it because of sth he said!!

yea. it probably was about sth somebody, said. hahar.

is it really a flaw? being talkative?

we were talking about me being 'desperate' to get married, and he said maybe cus i talk too much. (-.-')

yea.

haha.

it's hilarious right? hahar. i mean, just, how this person(whom im technically not close to) thinks im too talkative; when the fact is, i didn't even tell him that much. (in my own measure, that was nothing.) and of course, he noticed the times when im sad, and would ask me what's wrong. so of course, when someone ask you what's wrong, isn't it a natural reaction to tell/confide the person? (assuming that there's trust in your friendship) or is it.. when someone ask "what's wrong", it's only .. lip service?

i'm getting so confused over humanity.

lord, is this really why im not liked by anybody?

seriously friends, is this why? do you think i really shouldn't talk too much?

i mean, i'm so different around guys. it's like, sometimes i just don't know what to say, and i fear that the conversation will get awkward and i start to babble and talk/spout nonsense, or even say incomplete sentences/phrases or make noises or whatsoever, just to get the ball rolling.

i don't know.

i feel so down.

i know, "cindy's emo again", you say to yourself.

but no, i'm not emo right now.. im just, reflecting.

anyways. i'm too lazy to explain myself.

i feel like many times, ive been misunderstood, and have been wronged.

o lord jesus.

will there be just that one brother who simply adores my endless chatter?

is it really that impossible?

how come many gave me the feeling that NO ONE PERSON can stand your chatterbox-ness.

i just cannot express what i want to express,

and ended up in chains of meaningless words to them.

i feel so.. useless, you know.

it's like..

"Cindy, I can't stand it anymore. I need you to stop talking."

"Cindy, you don't have to tell me everything you know."

"Cindy, that's enough."

isn't it.. hurting?

--- just gotta keep walking ---

thank you cookie jar #2 for your text msg (;
and thank you vanilla and ice for calling!
and my dear cousin, too!

seriously dudes.
my life is falling apart.
it's the time where the lord says to me, ".. the precious proving of the faith."

OH MAN.
i really cannot take anymore of any thing.
i can't even explain all these situations one by one.
things that befall on me, that will scar me the rest of my life.
things that befall on my dad, and my mum, and everyone around me..
especially my dad.
if you have a room for him in your prayers, please mention my dad to the Lord in your prayers, okay? (:
(love you, thanks)

i also hope that things will eventually get better, and that my 2 years consecrated for the FTT will not be rough years for my dad.
i really need to go to grad school ASAP to be a speech pathologist.
i just need to have that, asap!
so that my dad won't have to be burdened over so many things..

sigh!

oh lord!

i know the dawn will come.

ALSO. i have work on my birthday.
all the choices have no use to me now.
SO SAD RIGHT!
but maybe you'll say "it's just a birthday"
yea..
it's just a birthday.

the veil

two hours of tears.

and then she refilled it with 16oz of milk.

today she experienced God's governmental dealing.
.. and it was, honestly, awfully painful.
nope, it's not about guys.
and nope, it's not about the saints.
but yes, it is about the self within me.
"the little satan", my mum said.
yea. and the result of that, is judgement, and punishment follows.
it's tough.
i was speechless.
and so ashamed.
so ashamed of myself.
i am so ashamed, i couldn't look at anyone in the eye.
but in moments like these, ..
we just praise the lord.
and the devil is shamed.
the devil is defeated at that instant you praise.
Oh lord, PRAISE YOU LORD!

it's funny how i'm in this situation where it's going to scar me forever.
i will never forget.

how ashamed i was.
Forgive me, Lord.

1) birthday cake 2) internship 3) sweetdreams

i want a birthday cake!

i've been working crazy hours recently.
having shifts as early as 730am, and till closing at 530pm.
in addition to my busy work schedule, i have school, which means.. project, and presentation, and papers and more papers.
so overwhelming. (;

right now i'm waiting for the blueberry muffin i baked in the oven, and it's for my dear thursday small group.

i'm SO tired, really. hahar.

anws.

-----------------------------------------------------------------internship----------------

yes, working in a credible childcare is really SUCH an experience (:
it's not just any childcare.
it's Quality childcare.
every word we say, every thing we do, every little detail, from the material of the door, to every word that comes out of our mouth. like, seriously.
the way we hold them,
they way we respond to them,
the way we are persistent to them,
the words we say to them,
the food we give them,
and HOW we give the food to them,.. etc!

for example, we don't say "No."
(even though it's THAT easy to pop that word the first thing from your mouth with a child)

because, then,
1) what are they supposed to do?
in a child's mind:" er.. ok, you just told me, no, and...so what am i going to do? and.. what?why?"

2) they have no options, and they can't freely explore because you just limit them.
instead, say "Oh, xxx, i see that you are eating your shoe. Shoes are not to be eaten, xxx. And look! (pointing them the dirt) it is dirty. You don't want to eat all these dirt, do you?"

take a minute. isn't our instant reaction, just "No xxxx, don't eat the shoe!"

and that is only part of it. there are many things that can happen with children that we can possibly say 'No' a thousand times a day.

another example would be when a child is hitting another child.
(dude, they can even pinch xD lol. and he's about 18 months)

natural reaction: No xxx! Don't pinch xxx.

wht-i-was-taught: "xxx, please stop. you have just made yyy so upset by pinching him/her."
"and yyy, you can tell xxx "stop". (this is to build social skills among children)
and remember, you can move your body."

there are seriously so much more.
even the matter of saying "good boy/girl, you're so cute..etc" , we do not say all those.
cus we do not want them to grow up doing things according to 'praises'- it's good/bad.
even when they draw a certain picture, we don't go around saying "wow, xxx, that is such a nice picture!"

what about the other kids? other kids will think that only a drawing like xxx is Good, and will not appreciate their own, because their works are not praised.
Also, you just labeled one kid's drawing to be nice, and he/she , in the future, will only regard his/her work as good, IF someone says its good. we don't want that.
instead, we encourage them to Describe, and TALK about what they draw/make/create.

"xxx, what is this? can you tell me more about it?"
or
"xxx, i see you draw a house and a tree. what other things do you have in mind?"

anws. there are so much more.
1) diaper time
2) meals - breakfast, lunch, snack
3) group time
4) outdoor free play
5) nap time

dude. even when changing their diapers, we talk them through every step with them.
cus remember: children are NOT toys, they are human beings, ought to get the respect they need. we caregivers respect them by talking them through what we're doing to them, to their body(changing diapers).
eg. xxx, would you like to help me open your diaper? (flap open)
i'm going to put this fresh new diaper on you, so you need to help me by lifting your legs UP HIGH. ready? blah blah blah*

*of course, we don't have to talk through to be so detailed at EVERY toiletting time.
i mean, in general, we tell them what we're doing to them, and involve them as much as we can (:

things like that.

aww man (:
i really love what i'm doing.
especially when you just know, like as if you're so ready to be a mother yourself.
that was how i felt though.. Wanting, and feeling like it is.. Time. (to be a mum, haha)

------------------------------------------------------------------ sweet dreams-----------
yea. dude. before i can even BE a mum, i have to have a husaband, right?
dang.
and before i can have a husaband, i have to have a fiance, right?
dang.
and before i can have my fiance, i have to have a boyfriend, right?
dang.
and before i can have a boyfriend, i HAVE to HAVE gone through 2yrs of FTTA, RIGHT?
dang!

hahar.
and before 2yrs of FTTA, i have to.. graduate UCLA right?

)'=

and.. it's about a year from now.
i really cannot wait.
cannot wait~! (:

there's just SO MANY SO MANY things i want to do, but am not able to when i'm still.. a 'senior' in college.
oh wells!

see, i even thought how i should fit in 'Taiwan/Korea' in my life, man..

2008 Senior Year
2009 FTTA
2010 FTTA
2011 Graduate School (M.S) /will i be married? this time?
2012 Graduate School (M.S) /lord, how much longer?
2013 Graduate School (M.S)/ Start working? (for real)
2014 Work-Marriage-Churchlife
.
.
.
sometime later, Children! (:

but then, WHEN can i go korea/taiwan to teach English?
and i really don't mind going to Europe or whatsoever the Lord's move at, AS LONG AS I'M MARRIED. period.

haha!

sweet dreams last forever.

my coming birthday

Yes, that's Right. those are really pathetic options. hahar. But i really only have those as choices!
So apparently, there are no one else here except Sprinkles to celebrate my birthday with. Of course, there's also yj. But do you think he will even remember? LOL. =P don't even hope on it. DON'T.
and it's perfectly fine, cus i really want to be happy on a 'New Day' (: and not dwell on unnescessary thoughts. Plus, i know from experience that hanging out with Sprinkles is never a bad choice! hahar. So I'll allow myself to spend my whole day with her.

BUT.

but, )'= what can 2 girls do on a birthday?
especially when i'm driving )'=
for once i really hope i'm the passenger, and i don't have to worry about directions, or traffic, or parking. but i guess i'm not spared on my birthday either! hahar.
well, thus, and hence why my first choice was 'Six Flags', cus I don't want to spend the day driving from point A to point B. and then to point C, and back again to A. I want minimal driving, and hence, why an Amusement Park is a great idea cus it'll take the whole day!

problem solved?

not completely.

see, the problem is that Sprinkles has her final on that day, till 12 50pm.
I mean, say we take off then, and reach 'Six Flags' at 2? Then we probably only have about 6-7 hours to ride on all the rides? Is that enough time? hrm. Oh wells. But is there another choice?
hahar. Seems like this is it eh?

ANYWAYS. my dream 20th birthday, is obviously sth that has to do with the Lord. because if you haven't known, I really love my Lord, and there's nth else that can satisfy, but the Lord himself. So then you would probably mumble to yourself "then why isn't Cindy planning on spending time with the saints?"
the answer to that is just, "there are no saints, here."
in short, it's summer, everybody's gone, and those who are here, aren't close enough to me to the extend that they are willing to spend the whole day with me.
does that make sense? (; cus you know, really. you want to feel entertained, and not being in a position where you're thinking "what should i say next" to the person you're with.
i just want to rest. yes, Rest.
So back to my DREAM birthday (:

starting from personal time at 00:00 (will be accomplished)
and then, waking up early in the morning and do morning revival (will be accomplished)
then have a nice breakfast (x)
the whole day's activity is planned by others (x)
one of which we go to a park/beach and sing hymns, pray and hang out! (x)
(and one of them is gd with guitars that he/she plays it)
they planned dinner; whether it's their own cooking or we go to a nice restaurant.

and that's it!

just for a day; i don't want to be the lead.


(=

hee. but you know, it's really okay.
i really felt that way.
cus i know the Lord in me will take that lead on my birthday.
but hey. if you have any suggestions on what i should do, please email me kay!
I LOVE YOU! (:

what happened?

the lord took away mango; before i could even BE in a relationship,
before i could even tell him i like him, too.

the lord took away jackfruit; and that was a great loss of a listening ear.

the lord took away starfish; and now i have one less friend to hang out.
one less person to talk crap with, and to feel comforted.

now my lord, also took away yj. even as a company, he no longer exist.

I, hereby DECLARE that I no longer have any GUYS in my life no more.
not that i'm being oh-so-needy; but it's undeniable that one/two guys in your life is a neccessity.
don't you think? i mean. it's just weird being in a world full of girls?
i don't want you to get me wrong. but.. i hope you know what i mean. and understand where i'm coming from. i don't know. this feeling stems from a lot of things. especially if you know my life in LA. it's like. i'm a strong grown up girl, who knows exactly what i want and do the things i want to do, and i can be pretty dominant, you know? (;
and so, hanging out with my girlfriends is really fantastic! but,.. yes, there is a 'but'. BUT, most times, or actually maybe, all the time, i am the one driving, the one planning, the one filling the dominant role.
don't get me wrong.
I LOVE YOU!
i really do.
but if you understand where i'm coming from, for just a teeny weeny moment now,
you will understand my.. (not 'pain', nor is it 'sorrow'..) you will understand my.. reasons for feeling this way i do.

that is why i really wanted to have a boyfriend so badly.
and this is really why.
cus i just want to be taken care of for once.
i've been single and independent for TOO long! hahar.
i need a shoulder to lean on.
i need an arm to hold on.
i need a soul to rest on.
and the list goes on.

you know all these.. you do, right? haha (:

and so, i consecrated myself to the lord, for this very matter, ESPECIALLY. cus.. i just.. cannot.
like right now for example. its summer. and i'm usually busy with work/school/training, and now, it's a really boring mundane friday, and besides my morning with phoebe, (we went out to shop for a little bit), NOW it's SO.. empty!
cus sprinkles, the girl i hang out like 24/7, is out with her friend who came down from the bay this weekend and NEXT WEEKEND she'll be with her boyfriend all week.

now, do you feel for me?

so lonely )'=

haha. really dude. OH LORD JESUS! I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.

so anws. most sisters are not here. and my other girlfriends are gone, too.. and yea.
even chelsia (a singapore sister-exchange student to UCLA) is gone with her friends to San Diego.
im happy for her though; but LOOK AT ME NOW, what has become of my life?
it used to be so colourful.
what happened?

God, is what happened.

yea. so my point of this entry is that..
God, is what happened.

and plus, i consecrated myself to the lord, again, cus i really admire this one brother, a lot.
but, i knew, and i felt really inadequate for him, cus he's just.. such a pattern, such a model.
i mean, this is as far as i know of him (:
oh wells.
and then, i told the lord "Lord, how about starfish? how can i tell him that i dont want to randomly eat dinner/drink boba with him anymore? how should i start rejecting all these 'lets-go-out-leh' and blah blah blah?"

then ta-da. the lord made it so much easier for me cus now he likes my friend.
it's like..

God, is what happened.
i just knew.

and then last person. yet, the MOST important person, cus we had quite a bit of history there. lol. YongJae.
"Lord, how can i EVER reject Yj's offer? HOW? my flesh is TOO weak to reject his
'eh, lets go shopping', or
'want to eat dinner?"

but again,
God, is what happened.
cus even yesterday, when he asked me for dinner, i ALRDY had plans with a sister.
then this afternoon when he called me twice and texted me cus he wanted to have lunch with me, I DID NOT BRING MY PHONE when i went out with phoebe in the morning, and SO i missed that opportunity, too.
do you see my point?

God, is what happened.
and so i missed his calls, and he always does not reply mine.
whatever.
i'm sad, of course.
lonely, no doubt.
and really.. really.. yarhh.

OH LORD JESUS I LOVE AND NEED YOU! PLEASE BE MY EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS.
I NEED YOU TO FILL MY SOUL!!!

so anws. the lord also made it easier for me, for yj.
cus yea. .

yeah.

i still love my Lord; and still trust that he has prepared for me, the best brother.
the best brother who when finally meets me,
he says," i'm sorry you have waited for EVER. i'm going to make it up to you with/for the rest of my life.."

and then he adds, " let's go roller coaster! "

(:

there are times..

the gigantic super shaved ice, consumed by the miniature God-men
(which you will see in the next NEXT picture)

saints from Singapore (:

saints from the Bay (;

juicy skirts in jubilee!

There are times in my life
When my heart is embittered.
There are questions unanswered,
Yet, You're drawing me

To enter
Into Your blessed santuary
And turning my eyes heavenward,
The questions of constant inquiry
Are changed to these words,

"Whom do I have in heaven
But You, dear Jehovah.
My flesh and my heart
Constantly fail,

But God's still
The strength of my heart and my portion;
To Him forever I'll draw near.
I've made Jehovah my sweet refuge.
So now throughout the years

Turn my view to see You,
How I need to see Jesus!!
Though I don't understand
The ways that You take;

Lord, make me
A babe and suckling always praising.
Enjoying Your worth day by day.
Let each experience constitute me
So Your life I'll display
In every way.

PURPLE : WOW WOW WOW... WOW. like, WOW!
RED: WOW WOW.. WOW..


)'=

i miss you. yes, YOU.


anws. i'm so lonely beyond belief now.
really enjoyed the training. --> that, was BEYOND belief, too.
hahar.
dude. losing the soul-life at this age is REALLY not easy.
i went through SO MUCH with the Lord these days, but i havent have time to blog it here.
will do so soon (; so we'll all be encouraged! we'll all run this race togther, will we not? haha.

brb

a lot of random stuffs- la la la

"Finally", is probably the word you mutter to yourself now, as you read my new entry right here. But I figure you should take back your word cus I am not planning to write alot tonight.
it's 1145pm and i have to get up early (like 6.30ish) and fill gas, then pick up some sisters, then off I go, to the FTTA Graduation. yes, FTTA(Full Time Training Anaheim), the bible school that I would be in for 2 years after i graduate UCLA next year.

So much went through my mind these days. Not only the thought of home, and the feelings of homesickness, the throbbing pangs of misses I have for my family, but also of my present state.
Yes, my present state is what I'm worrying about. It's weird how I have all my future planned out, and have a rough idea of how 'The One' is going to be like (: but what worries me is of right now. RIGHT NOW. i don't know why. or actually maybe i do..

i don't know why i just.. feel so empty! ALL THE TIME!
yet i do very well know why i feel empty, ALL THE TIME.
the answer is simply, the lord. yes, i felt like i've been detached. i've been out of the meeting life that this feeling within me is just so empty, and it bothers me like crazy! yet i really can't. i can't seem to enjoy the meetings.
i know what probably is going through your mind now is that "You haven't touched/ excercise enough your spirit."
i know.
i know.
but.. i really need a companion.
i REALLY need a companion.
i really NEED a companion.
i really need .. at least A companion.
yes, .. COMPANION.
a Spiritual Companion, who will push me, pull me, and lay hold of me, just like the Lord.
i need her.

anyways. i interned in one of UCLA's childcare center, and it was such a great experience.
i myself have no idea how much i love working with kids, and i am really amazed by what i did not know. dude. taking care of a kid is really not as easy as you think. If you really want the best of their growth and development, that is, raising them up is certainly not easy peasy, and there are SO MANY THINGS that parents think they do it right, but in actual fact, is just wrong.
anws, will elaborate more about it in the coming posts, but hey! i got to change their diapers! (=
that's like so far my favourite part being a caregiver, changing their diapers.
i love it how they cooperate with you when you're changing the diapers for them.
"Abigail.. I'm going to change your diapers now so I would like you to take off your shoes."
"Now I'm going to ... bla bla bla"
when you're changing the child's diaper, you ought to talk them through the whole process.
remember that the child is a human being, not a toy, so you want to make sure they are comfortable with every step you make.
there are just SOOOO many thingggs (: SO MANY THINGS. i learned alot just in that first day of work. All the caregivers are professionally trained, and i so aspire to be like them after the whole summer experience (:

i have to tell you about this kid who grew attached to me on my first day of work. he refused to be apart from me even for just a teeny weeny moment. haha. and i'm not even kidding. the supervisor wanted me to clean up the 'beach area' and i told him "Nicholas, I have to clean up this area for a while, and then I will be back to you ok?"
(he hasn't learned to talk yet. prolly about 1.5years old?)
I pulled him away from my embrace and he made noises and struggled back to my embrace.
sorry i don't know how to describe it. (lack of vocabs的我)
and it happened a couple of times and the supervisor asked me to hand nicholas to her while i clean up.
So i handed nic to her.
and he cried and cried and cried.
and the supervisor, then, knew, that he was now attached to me! hahar.
and she said "ok nicholas, cindy will be done soon and she'll be with you again."
and he cried, still.
and she said "she will be done soon... ~ (: "
and he is still crying.
then.
i'm done.
and i came to him and place him back in my arms.
and he stopped crying.

('=

that was the best moment ever.
it's like.
there were SO MANY FEELINGS i felt right at that moment.
it's like.
i just want to so tell this child how much i love him.
it's like having my very own son.
i don't know how to explain it.
it really made me want to be a mum!
hahar.
seriously.
and then he was just in my embrace for about an hour because he doesn't want to play or do anything else.

then meanwhile, i had to take care of an infant, we call him 'baby jordan'. hahar.
he's .. so funny. lol.
so on one arm was nicholas, and the other hand was being played by baby jordan.
then, abigail came and mumbled mumbled to me, i guess her way of communicating.. and i had to read her her favourite monkey story.

oh wells.
there were just so much going on.
and i so love them.
like all of them!

anws. i was then told that nicholas is indonesian chinese too! and how i should speak indo with him. so i did. i helped him get his booger out (-.-') that was a HARD TASK. hahar. but nic was very obedient. anws. so sometimes i would throw out a few indo words to him and that was probably why he felt closer to me than the rest? haha (: anyhows, i'm just glad.
then it got me thinking.. that 'The One' would actually be indo chinese like me too?
will he?
after that day of work i knew that 'The One' the Lord prepared for me, will be a very mature dignified man, who loves and adores me SO MUCH that he comes to the clinic(wherever i work at, as a speech therapist) and picks me up everyday after he gets off work! (:
i don't know why i have that thought, but i really can picture that to happen. like, really. hahar.
he knows me too well that i don't want to drive... ANYMORE!
he knows me too well that i would be so tired that it would be nice to be picked up.
and then he would turn on my favourite hymn in the car, or my favourite classical piece and allow me to rest my eyes while he faces the MENACING traffic. lol.
then, because it's friday night, we both prepare dinner for the saints and open our home for small group! (:


sigh. talking about my future just makes me happy.
if only i am living my future in the present time.
right now it's just ME and my car.
(really bad, but how i really miss mango. cus he just KNOW BETTER to drive and initiate things)

to FROST and ICE: don't you think i was really happy back then?

why can't all my guyfriends be more like mango? WHY?

you know cindy's not studying when..

)'=

many hours have passed.
and i ONLY managed to read 2 chapters.
oh lord jesus!!
the throbbing headache.
the aching heart.
the congested mind.
the empty heart.
the growling stomach.
the dazzed eyes.
the weary soul.
the dying brain cells..

monday 8-11am syntantic typology final
1130-230pm syntax final
230-330pm psych 132 review session
(phonetics term project due, 6pages)

tuesday health check up

wednesday 10-1045am production exam
1130- 230pm psych 132 final

230pm (walk home)
300pm (reach home)
400pm (leave home)
500pm *traffic
600pm (leave LA)
900pm ( plane departs)

2 days later,..
hello Singapore~ (:

9 days later,..
hello yongjae..
(he better pick me up) lol.

1 day later,..
hi textbooks.
hi work.
hi, HEAT.

6 days later,..
hello sister rachel (:

2 days later,..
hello singapore and bay area saints! (:
hello also, durian.

many weeks later,
hello 20year-old cindy.
a non-teen cindy.

many months later,
hello graduation,
and goodbye yongjae.

a few more months after,
hello, LORD.

2 years later,
hello graduate school,
and..
HELLO, LOVE (=

my obsession over my cubicle*

my lovely cubical! (:

jay chou figurine!

my dying roses..

"let there be light~!" (:

Dreams

this, i must say, has to be the busiest week yet, in my life, and MORE to come.

OH LORD JESUS! *pant pant pant*
i seriously panted for every minute of everyday this week. (even though it's only wed =P)
hahar.

emailed like GAZILLION emails to GABILLION professors and people in charge regarding my internship livescan fingerprinting my criminal check my health check up my TB test my 'wrong name' in the schedule my summer schedule my outlook on a language research my interest in global affairs my homeworks my research papers my questions on ling myavailable times my ... my.. and the list goes on.

then, also, this is apparently the official "closure" of the 2008 school year, SO THUS, makes everything more.. more, yarh.

I AM SO STRESSED OUT NOW.
cus i have SO MUCH TO DO.
but i really don't wanna get started. (the typical lazy students' syndrome)

argh!
gonna be on super high dose on caffeine tonight.

hahar. haven't been blogging about my emotions lately huh. (:
as for that, recently i have been dreaming alot.
dreaming, as in, night dreaming (:
and, .. night dreaming, as in.. the vivid night dreaming.
VIVID night dreaming, meaning, i remember my dreams!
hahar. i dream everyday, but i don't usually remember them.

so here goes.
saturday night? *the cut version*
i dreamt of yongjae. and that was the weirdest thing ever cus i haven't seen him for quite a bit. and so, i dreamt that i was at the poolside with some random people and i was feeling awkward because these people were looking at me in that .. ER wayy.. I was grasping tightly on the towel that wraps me, hoping that it won't fall. then, he walked towards me (my back was facing him). and then he stood behind me and said softly, "don't worry, i'll cover you."

(=


LOL.
that dream just made me happy.
haha. LOL.
just like how i fell for his words, "don't worry, i'll protect you." years ago.
haha.
am i nuts or whattt. haha.

LOL.
oh wells. it's true though.
yj has always stick with me in my embarrassing moments.
i guess that's why i like him.
cus he doesn't make me feel embarrassed when i said it.

i still remember the time when we're doing groceries, my box of blueberries fell onto the ground! whattt! it's.. really. yarh mans..
i'm talking about BLUEBERRIES, not papaya or banana. haha.
and dude. he totally bent down to pick the scattered blueberries.
and i was pretty shocked. cus #1 Guys just don't do that.
#2 They just don't.
and he didn't say words to make me feel bad. He just helped me.
and so i bent over, too, and pick them up.
and that was how he got his nickname, blueberry.
Of course, I was so touched, too..
cus #1 not all my girlfriends would help me pick up either (-.-')

haha. oh yongjae~

ANWS.
sunday night?
i dreamt of starfish.
and he was in a "runaway" with me. and there were too much running away,
haha. basically we were on a hiding or something. lol.
LOL.
what intense dream.

i wonder what today's will be like?
(=

sweet dreams, everyone.

happy birthdayy!

first, CRUSH, SMACK, CHOP that 20 thick graham crackers.
(3 calories right there, BUT ~30 minutes right there)

mix in 2 cups of dark choc chips, baking powder, and all other baking ingredients (:

10-12 minutes of baking.

Outcome: Happy Sherry on her Happy Birthdayy (=

生日快乐, 小姐 (:

wishing you forever 21..

sayy itt withh Rosess~

(txt msg from roommate) mi50soup: Cindyyy! Someone sent you PRO FLOWERS!!!! I wonder who is it xD

i rushed down to my beloved home as soon as i got off class (:

24 Roses ( it's really 24, right?) (=

SO PRETTY!

thank you so much, cynth (=

see, i unwrapped it nicely (:
and handled it with much care.

I LOVE YOU CYNTHIAAAA (+

not as much as God, or John, but I do! hee.
you have very much healed a sick and bitter person.

love you.

in memory of memorial weekend 08

my beautiful backyard.

mango pudding (:

green tea ice cream with soy powder

3rd street performance =X

our ladies' night out.

before our twenties begin.

what's this called again?

Risotto sth sth (:

always top it off with a special dessert~

he's eating my ALL TIME FAV CUPCAKES from my ALL TIME FAV CUPCAKE STORE! (.. and it's called Sprinkles!)

yj's mango dessert.

dim sum with the sisters (= (mon)
dim sum with the s'poreans (sun)

i don't understand why durian doesn't like dim sum?

sticker pictures in USA!
and my favourite is...

! (= YAY. hahar. cus it looks like a korean drama cover.
don't you think?

this one, too! (=

p/s: don't you just love the song? (lucky- Jason Mraz feat Colbie)

listen to it (:

it's the prettiest song, EVER.